I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
