That's intense
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
