my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
