I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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