I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
