Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
