there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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