My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
