so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
