Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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