Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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