My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
