it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
