Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
