Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
