Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
