I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Is Oprah even human
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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