can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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