if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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