Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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