so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I love having hate sex.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
