I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
