I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
