It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
