AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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