I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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