I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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