you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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