you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
