so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
