apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
