I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
