Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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