Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
