I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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