OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
