There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need water and some morals
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
