You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
