You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
