So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
