so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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