God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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