I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
