I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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