I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
