I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
