so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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