remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
