Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
