I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
