wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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